Many times we receive letters from people who are in a struggling marriage and separation or divorce is being considered.  Here are answers to five questions asked to one of our online counselors, Lynette Hoy.  Read her professional advice and pass it along as you receive similar mentor requests.

 1. I am wondering whether I should give my spouse a second chance. We are separated because he had abused me. It seems that my spouse doesn't want to change, but keeps pressuring me to take him back. What should I do? 

This is a very big dilemma for Christians since the Bible does not seem to speak directly to the problem of abuse and domestic violence in marriage. Certainly, if your life or your children's lives are in danger, the Lord would want you to protect yourself. The Lord desires peace, not anger and strife, in relationships, and He forbids people from endangering another person's life Leviticus 19:16 says, "Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the Lord." And Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered..." If your husband actively begins work on his anger problems through counseling and accountability with a pastor, elder or spiritual mentor then you might consider working on your relationship with him. You would want to see some demonstrable changes over a period of six or more months before moving back with him. You want to know that you can trust him. You will need marriage counseling to help you both learn conflict management skills. That way you can learn what provokes and escalates his anger and how to help stop the escalation. Conflict can be managed, but there are usually communication and many other issues to work on as a couple. Putting Christ at the center of your life and seeing your spouse do the same is critical before you just "get back together." If Christ is not in control of your lives then the old behavior will probably not change. With Christ you and your husband can begin again, put the abuse and conflict behind you and behave in healthy and loving ways towards each other. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

2. Why should I reconsider divorcing my spouse? As couples walk down the aisle together they might not say this out loud, but they're probably thinking it "If it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce....".   

Yes, 50-60% of newlyweds today will experience divorce because they finally acted on this subtle thought. What has happened? Why do people rush to the altar only to end up in court years later? What kind of life can they expect after it's all over? Shouldn't they reconsider? The answers to these questions aren't easy. Some researchers say that "growing apart," "not feeling loved and appreciated," "sexual problems" and "finances" are the top reasons for divorce. The Bible is pretty clear about what God says are reasons for divorce and that God hates divorce. Yes, there are biblical reasons for divorce. But our culture says that you don't need a reason. It's nobody's fault, so go ahead and get a divorce. After all, it didn't work out. Maybe we as Christians have lost the commitment to work on the difficulties and challenges of marriage. Endurance, perseverance, courage and hard work get exchanged for citations, petitions, broken hearts and child support. And how does it all end up? Lives are shattered, spouses move out, bills abound, children face an uncertain and lonely future. Every area of life is affected. PBS showed a program called "Children of Divorce" recently. It should have been called "Children of Grief". There were tears, questions, uncertainty, fears and stricken faces. I know. I remember the divorce of my parents. So, you say, tell me something hopeful, you're a counselor, you're supposed to give me hope. OK. Here's the hope. If you are considering divorce, reconsider. So many couples have worked on their marriages and have been successful. Stories abound. Marriages are saved. Children are happier. Money is in the bank. If you are going through a divorce, there is life on the other side. Talk to Christians who have gone through it. But maybe you should think it through again with the help of Jesus Christ, the Bible, pastors, counselors and friends. God can bring good out of divorce. But that doesn't make divorce a good thing. As with any trial, God is your helper, He has a plan for you and will help you grow through it. Isaiah 40:29 says, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." It's not the end of the world. But it's probably harder to work out a divorce than to work on a marriage. 

3. My wife and I are separated and getting a divorce. What problems will I face during this crisis in my life? When loss occurs, the grieving begins and we are changed forever. Divorce is loss....of a marriage partner, lover, companion and friend...propelling us into grief and change.   

You will begin this process of grief during your separation and divorce. Though you will experience phases of grief you are not a helpless victim...you can work through them with the strength of the Lord. You can learn the lessons God has for you through this loss. First you will learn to accept the reality of the loss/divorce. Give yourself some time to get over the shock and experience the pain of grief . Facing the pain of divorce, feeling it and expressing your grief in healthy ways rather than suppressing it will help you work through the loss. Another lesson will be to learn to adjust to your surroundings without your spouse...come to terms with living alone, raising your children alone, facing an empty house, managing your finances alone and taking on new roles. But, remember, with Christ you are never alone. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20). In the last phase you will learn to detach from your spouse, the memories and the hopes...and invest in other relationships and friendships. Facing the loss squarely with God's help and working through these phases of grief will assist in your healing. You will experience other adjustments such as determining your responsibility and your spouse's responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. See the following Scriptures: Matthew 5:31-2; 19:3-9; Mark 10: 2-12; Luke 10:18; Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. You will experience the reality and hurt of no longer being "number one" and feeling alienated. You will most likely have to retain a lawyer. Though marriage dissolution can be a relatively simple procedure, the division of property may require extensive litigation. This will alter your lifestyle as the car, the house, computer, pets, etc. are divided up. You will always be a co-parent with your spouse since when a child's parents are divorced from each other they are not divorced from the child. Physical custody and visitation privileges will be decided by the courts or a qualified mediator. The most enduring hurt can be experienced at this stage. You will learn to become autonomous and separate from your spouse. You can make this a time for positive growth in your life. The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the point of making the necessary changes you need to make so you can live with the loss in a healthy way. God can bring good out of a trial like this. But make certain that if it is your choice to get a divorce that you have counseled with your pastor or elders and determined that it is biblical. If there is any way you can save your marriage...ask your wife to consider rebuilding your relationship with the help of Christ, Christian counseling, prayer and support. 

4. How can I keep from falling apart after my divorce? Will divorce and separation shatter my life forever?

The Apostle Paul wrote, "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead" (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). As Paul relied on God in his trials, you can let the trials of divorce and separation stimulate you to rely on Christ. Jesus will keep you from falling apart. He said,  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light "(Matthew 11:28-30). God hears your prayers, He provides comfort and rest. His very presence in your life will calm your heart and mind. Allow yourself to feel the pain, and express it in healthy ways through journaling, prayer, and talking to close friends. Depend on God for strength to take on new responsibilities. Pace yourself. Let people help. You can stabilize your life by growing in your faith and relationship with Christ through reading the your Bible regularly, prayer and a supportive church. You can build support with friends and family and learn to manage your money in creative ways. You need not fall apart or collapse under the pressures of divorce and separation. Jesus Christ can provide the help that you need for inner strength and stability during this storm. 

5. Is there life after divorce?   

Life as a single, divorced person is not directionless, purposeless or hopeless. Why? Just reflect on these verses: God has plans for you... "I know the plans I have for you" (Jeremiah 29:11). God will strengthen you... "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God'? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:27-31). You can know God personally...when you trust Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. "That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" (Romans 10:9). God will help you persevere and mature..."Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).  Dr. Larry Crabb eloquently states the goal of Christian maturity this way: "Christ wants us to face reality as it is, including all the fears, hurts, resentments, and self-protective motives we work hard to keep out of sight, and to emerge as changed people. Not pretenders. Not perfect. But more able to deeply love because we're more aware of His love."
You can experience contentment through Christ... "I have learned to be content in everything... I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13). You can anticipate the future and trust God after your divorce. 
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